i think i blew my cover when he asked me if i liked vegan ice cream at the show and i just looked at him blankly: "i've never had it before." inside his head: "what? is she like totally not vegan or something? how could she eat cheese! dorks eat cow...sigh she had such potential, better delete her as my friendster, cuz you know what will RadicalTeachers and Ladyfest think?" shit uh oh better try and make a save: "it's made with soy right?" inside own head: "and you know how us chinkies looove soya oh boya!" i guess i made it okay since he still gave me the flyer for his 'punk' dj set the next night benefiting something i already forgot. after that we kinda just stared at each other awkwardly and he said he would introduce me to the other girls doing free events but i knew they would automatically hate me so i just waved and brandished my cell phone like a capitalist call to arms and dialed eileen's number. and the conversation was so great i didn't really regret not meeting the rest of them. well a little.

see this was why it was difficult living with mara, amal, vivek and walker. and why i liked hanging out with nick so much. and why everyone generally think nick's an asshole. but i'm tired of rebeling against things that i am because other people are those things to the extreme and judge those who are not as ahem, not 'hardcore' enough. but i think they are not funny enough. i enjoy nuances, subtleties, making fun of ugly kids and myself but never public humiliation of anyone; i like surface things and glossy things and fast things and mod things. i also love hand-made things and dirty things and worn old tired hands and the labor songs that walker used to sing with his guitar and people like mike davis, bell hooks, georg lukas and paolo freire whose pedagogy of the oppressed gave me those very nuances in my thinking that i search for in others, always.

all i wanted to do was intern at Ladyfest East. now that dream is over. unlike morrissey, i don't think meat is murder, or that only dorks eat cow. i'm just not that narrow-minded. or white. or middle-class. and i thought the revelation that she had stood outside the david letterman show when she was fourteen to protest the regurgitator because 1. he swallowed goldfish alive and spit them back up alive (?) or 2. because he was only scheduled to go on for an hour but the letterman people wanted to exploit his labor power for two hours (?) (really i had no idea what the hell someone could possibly be protesting in that situation) was incredibly stupid. but i think hard about my choices just like everyone else does. that was a rant. i'm actually trying to avoid 'visuality in descartes and the modern ocularcentric scopic regime.' i made that title up myself. this will be gone before you know it.


ps: on an entirely not petty note: it was common practice during the baroque era, especially at the tail-end of the ancien regime to employ anamorphic mirrors in viewing the visage! what are the motivating factors and consequences for self-conceptualization in such a distorting practice? oh and the color black, and men's black suits, became standard apparel only because of the French Revolution. it was considered the most democratic and egalitarian form of attire and worn by the republican jacobins as a emblem of radical protest against aristocratic frivolry and excess. that's why they called them sans-culottes! oh history, my only friend. ha! ask me what president came before nixon and i'll stare at you like you asked me if i like vegan ice cream. do i look like someone who would like vegan ice cream you moron!! actually, soy dream in coffee is very very good.