i discovered the portable galaxie 500 and lucy dreams for baku the day after the day of the snowstorm. the day of the snowstorm i rode the L train for three hours from 8th avenue to canarsie to 8th avenue and back again. it hadn't been this cold in one hundred and eleven years. there was one other person in my car who did the same thing for part of the time. he saw that i was too tired to ever get up, just like him, and sat down next to me in a bundle of down and fluffy woollen. our knees knocked gently back and forth as the train swayed from station to station. but i was only tired that day, and i think he was tired all his life, that is how he knew to get off at broadway junction the second loop around, our serendipitous rendevous over. i fell for galaxie 500 because i thought the day after the subway that i might never hear again, and i heard them. when i fell for lucy everything had been too crowded and cramped for too long and was now dead, stuffed under the dirty couch cushions of yesterday's news. the first snowfall of the season had turned into a vile disgusting thing for me. being at sasha's helps. sasha is rather amazing. so does galaxie 500 and lucy dreams for baku. but momma i'm hurting so bad... if i come home its only because i have nowhere else to go. i feel tightness in my chest and a constant hammer pummeling out my breaths because everyone i can possibly meet is taken off limits already and everywhere i go is everyone i meet. can i imagine two people feeling this way simulatneously and because of each other? how terrible this is. i do not want this and i give, i break. i have no boy, no music, no space. i am going to end this blog in california.